Let's All Go Hump Brett Favre's Leg

It is 11:12pm EST on Wednesday night. I am watching the Rockets and Lakers in game 2 and decided to flip over to SportsCenter during a commercial real fast. The reason? To catch extended highlights and analysis of the two overtime Stanley Cup Playoffs games from earlier this evening, specifically the Hurricanes and Bruins. The show opened with Celtics/Magic highlights, as it probably should. The NBA is definitely more popular than the NHL across the majority of the Sportscenter audience, plus the Celtics are a cornerstone franchise defending their title. No problem. NHL highlights follow, opening with the Capitals/Penguins contest. The Pens won this game 3 matchup in overtime, and the series pits Crosby versus Ovechkin, who are the league's marquee superstars. Again, no problem. So naturally, the next set of highlights would be the Hurricanes/Bruins game 3 overtime contest, right? Nope. Let's talk about Brett Favre potentially un-"retiring" for the 432nd time to join the Minnesota Vikings. PROBLEM.

ESPN, seriously: I DON'T CARE ABOUT EFFING BRETT FAVRE. Call me when either a) the NFL season starts; or b) he appears on the Minnesota Love Boat II. I absolutely, positively could care less about whether or not a geriatric, washed-up Brett Favre comes back next year. We've had to listen to speculation, day-by-day reporting, and ficticious scenarios involving him for the past five years. Will he retire? Will he come back? Who will he be traded to? Can they make the playoffs behind The Great Brett Favre? Will he stay retired? Will he ask for extra mustard on his hot dog? What kind of puppy will he buy (oh wait, that wasn't Favre)? I'd say the percentage of people who really give a crap about Favre coming back (again) is limited to about sixteen Packers fans who just want to see him keep playing (and further tarnishing a legacy that was nearly unmatched), for their chief rival nonetheless, and the Minnesota Vikings contingency who want anyone but Tavaris Jackson behind center. Seriously, they might take Joakim Noah, Ellen Degeneres, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, or Yoda over Jackson at this point. In the meantime, we have to hear about Brett Favre before a playoff hockey game that involves the number one seed Boston Bruins losing to fall behind in the series to an underdog Carolina Hurricanes squad? Really ESPN? Really?

And, to make matters worse, as I typed the above sentence, we made it to 11:30pm. Still no Canes/Bruins. We've had baseball (Red Sox, Yankees, and the Mets/Phils game that was on - wait for it - ESPN earlier tonight), some decent news on Toledo basketball's point-shaving scandal, and a Terrelle Pryor interview. And, of course, a Sportscenter Reset on the Brett Favre story. That's right folks, TWO Brett Favre segments before overtime hockey highlights. FML.

My point is this: ESPN has a monopoly, so they can cover whatever they deem newsworthy. I know this, you know this. However, they have a nasty habit of latching on to a story they find particularly interesting and just oversaturating us with "news" and analysis. Far too much of it is speculative, and they will inevitably bury the supposed story into the ground. Barry Bonds and his alleged steroids, A-Rod and his alleged steroids, Terrell Owens, Brett Favre, etc. Give me more highlights. Give me more analysis of actual games and strategies. Do not create a story where there really is not that much to report, and, for goodness sake, do not force particular athletes and your collective agenda down our throats. I do not tune in for a running diary of Brett Favre. FYI, ESPN.

It is now 11:44pm and I finally have my Canes highlights. And yet, I am too worked up and pissed off to enjoy them. Thank you, ESPN Sportscenter, for ruining a perfectly calm, enjoyable evening of sports for me. I'm off to shoot BB's at my old Brett Favre Starting Lineup figures. Peace.