Two consecutive posts that have nothing to do with sports...this has to be some kind of record. Today's topic: Soft Rock Hell.
I am a member of New Tech Fitness here in Blacksburg, VA. It is best described as a local gym where you see more or less the same folks every time you work out. The kind of place you assign nicknames to people you don't know and, once you do meet them, learn what their actual nickname is and call them by it. From "Cheeseburger" to "Tank", they're all regulars. Another thing you can count on in a gym like this is controversy over little things. For instance, the weight room was just re-arranged, quite well I thought, but some people had to get all upset over it. The musical selection has been a long-standing issue. We've gone from satelite radio to internet radio to local radio and back, classic rock to alternative rock to techno. But never have we entered Soft Rock Hell...until Tuesday.
I arrived at the gym to find the radio tuned to local station Q99 out of Roanoke, VA. As I changed in the locker room, "Borderline" by Madonna came blaring through the speakers. At this point, I thought it was kind of funny - I had my ipod, so no worries on the music. I finished changing, grabbed my ipod, and headed to my workout. On my way, I paused at the front desk and made the comment to my friend working behind said desk that playing Q99 is the kind of thing that will make people cancel their membership, or at least make sure they never forget their ipod. We laughed and I went on downstairs to prepare for chest and back. I smiled as the voiceover came on the radio: we play the best hits of the 80s, 90s, and today, from Elton John to The Eagles to Nickelback, here on Q99!. "Thank God for my ipod," I thought to myself as I slid the headphones through my shirt. And then...nothing happened.
My headphones went dead. Not like I-might-need-new-headphones dead, but like you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-these-things-are-completely-dead dead. I frantically took them out, put them in...tried it again...nothing. For the first time in the three years I've been at New Tech Fitness, they are playing soft rock on the radio...and I've got dead headphones. So here I was, trying to super-set chest and back in Soft Rock Hell.
I went about my workout following a couple of choice words muttered under my breath. Flat bench and pull-ups to John Mellencamp and Kelly Clarkson, incline bench and seated cable rows to Jimmy Buffet and Cyndi Lauper, weighted dips with Mariah Carey. Let me be the first to tell you, there's nothing like some good Mariah Carey. But listening to "Hero" while you try to push yourself up on the fourth set of dips is not encouraging. Duncan Shiek, John Mayer, Pat Benetar, Carrie Underwood, and The Eagles (they did promise) rolled me along through most of the remainder of the workout.
At this point, I should tell you that there were two problems. First, of course, were the songs themselves. Second though, is that I will sing along to almost anything. Somehow, over the course of my 26+ years on this earth, I have learned many of these songs despite never listening to Lite 102.9 during my youth in Mint Hill, NC. But, between trips to the dentist and doctor, long rides on elevators, and being stuck in the car with my mom and aunts, I've learned the lyrics to these songs. But it's not just me. I can remember a couple of nights in college that Rhino and I sat there rolling on the floor in laughter listening to Delilah and singing along to these crappy songs. Somehow two hicks from Mint Hill learned this crap, it's ingrained in all of us, slowly killing our masculinity. Anyway, so there I sat between sets on the incline hammer strength machine mumbling the words..."fathers be good to your daughters, and daughters will love like you do..."
Finally, "Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker came on and I nearly went over the edge. My last exercise, chest flys on the pec deck, and I am subjected to one of my least favorite songs ever. "This could not get any worse," I thought to myself.
Then, suddenly, an angel came and rescued me from Soft Rock Hell. The station changed! I had been forgiven for my musical sins and extended a second-chance on this day at the gym. We were switched over to 105.3 The Bear for some new rock. Then, to my dismay, my angel turned out to be a product of Satan himself. Why? Because as soon as we switched to 105.3, a new song came on.
"Something in Your Mouth" by...Nickelback. My all-time least favorite band. It was then and there that I decided this workout session belonged on FMyLife.
Needless to say, I am making the trip to nearby Christiansburg for a new set of headphones prior to the next workout. And, should I ever be without my ipod again, I will never, ever remain at the gym for another day of Soft Rock Hell.
Follow me everything is alright...
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