Fast-forward to today. There are many entities in today's world of sports who are like Derek Zoolander, doing everything they can to gain acceptance. They want approval from fans and the media alike, as approval equals interest, which equals dollars spent, which equals cash money in the pockets of these entities. Unlike Zoolander, acceptance and love are not enough; they need money, money, yeah yeah.
So what are we to do? Personally, this fan is taking the same route as Derek's Father did. Call'em out, let'em know where they stand, and take a long-term stance. If they fix it, great. Accept them back and love them. "That's my son!!" yelled Mr. Zoolander after watching his son save the Prime Minister of Malaysia. But if not? Kick dirt on them and leave them where they lie, six feet deep. So here goes. The following sports entities, be on alert - you're dead to me.
1) Here Lies the National Hockey League and Commissioner Gary Bettman. I did not grow up skating on anything frozen. Anyone who has seen me ice skate is now laughing out loud at the mental image. But roller blading? Different story. However, I did not do much of the roller parks in middle school. Nope, I preferred street hockey, scoring goals against the trash cans in my driveway. I was Steve Yzerman, Brett Hull, Wayne Gretzsky...anyone but Mike Modano really. Playoff hockey is my favorite - late nights, three overtimes, the back-and-forth action. I was madder than hell when Brett Hull "scored" to win the Cup for Dallas, knocking out the beloved Sabres in six games. I'm not saying I'm the world's greatest hockey fan, but I really enjoy watching the sport and would argue the intensity of the playoffs against any sport.
But now, in the years following the NHL lockout, Commissioner Bettman has turned the game into a wuss-fest. His iron fist reign has been laughable for many reasons that we will not get into. But, just when I thought it could not get worse, his league suspended Sean Avery for making comments about another player, Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames, and his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert (of "24" and "Old School" fame). "I just want to comment on how it's like become a common thing to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," Avery said. And he has been suspended for six games by the league and could be released by the Dallas Stars as a result. Now, let's set one thing straight: Avery is no angel. For those who do not follow hockey, he is a combination of TO, Ron Artest, and Manny Ramirez. He has been in trouble with the league for numerous incidents, both on and off the ice. Teammates and foes despise him. But suspending a guy for that comment? Come on. The NHL has no personality now. No more fighting, no more trash talking, no animosity allowed. Let's just all skate around for three periods, everyone's a winner, and when it's over, we'll all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya". Gary Bettman, until you learn how to market your league and emphasize what sets it apart from other sports entities (and thereby allow it to once again be interesting), I'm not watching. My planned trip to a Hurricanes' game is now canceled. So NHL - you're dead to me.
(A quick aside - in my quest to find a picture of the aforementioned sloppy seconds known as Elisha Cuthbert, I did a google image search. I chose the least-risque picture I could find and ended up with her sitting in a see-through dress with a slit up to her mid-thigh. Elisha - you're an attractive girl. But really, you might want to look into cleaning up your image a little bit, or at least taking some pictures that involve more clothes than a push-up bra and undies).
2) Here Lies the Charlotte Bobcats. I have tried to have faith that this organization has a plan. I was completely against the selection of Adam Morrison over Brandon Roy; same for DJ Augustin this past year over Brock Lopez or Jerryd Bayless, but otherwise, I've tried to remain supportive. But now? Done. Jason Richardson, Jared Dudley, and a 2nd rounder for Boris Diaw, Raja Bell, and Sean Singletary???? What????
I understand that the Bobcats were willing to move Richardson or Gerald Wallace. Fine. Need more of a low-post presence, hopefully with some versatility. But Boris-freakin-Diaw? He of the "I don't date American girls, I have them" quote a few years back (click those links - unreal)? He of the no motivation, in poor physical condition, I-don't-even-know-what-defense-is history? Look, the Bobcats desparately needed a big guy to play power forward with shooting range and the ability to guard similar types of 4-men. Bosh, Dirk, Jamison, David West, and all other power forwards who are able to stretch a defense and drive always kill this team (go look at Bosh's boxscores against Charlotte, it's ridiculous). But Boris Diaw does not help on the defensive end whatsoever and can most positively be described as "inconsistent" (read: unmotivated) on the offensive end. As for Raja Bell, I think his skill-set lends itself to this team and Coach Larry Brown's system or guarding the basketball. However, he is 32 and expensive for what he brings to the table in my opinion. Furthermore, Charles Barkley tried to point out that by moving Richardson, more minutes would be available for Felton at the shooting guard spot. Two problems with that point: 1. Bell is also a shooting guard and therefore should take a lot of Richardson's minutes; and 2. Felton is not a freakin' 2-guard. But the worst part of this deal? Trading Dudley. As has been pointed out by multiple people, he did not have to be included to make the deal work. He is promising as a role player, has a high basketball IQ, and is cheap for the next three seasons. So what was he included for?
The most predictable reaction was that of the Charlotte Observer sports writers. Sorenson, Fowler, and Bonnell all like the trade. It's almost like they've been told to spin this as positively as they can to help generate interest in this team. Well, how can anyone be interested in a 28-win team? Because that's what we're heading towards. So, barring another trade (or five) that helps makeover this team (and get Diaw out of Charlotte), cancel my annual Christmas Break expedition to see the 'Cats play, because Charlotte Bobcats - you're dead to me.
3. Here Lies College Football under the BCS System. I am done with college football. Until there is a playoff system that we can all live with, I will watch the Tar Heels, I will watch Virginia Tech (or wherever I happen to be working), and I will keep an eye on Notre Dame. But as for rushing home to see "the big game" or any huge bowl game? Forget it. I'm not saying I'm not going to watch at all, but I am done caring. It is completely ridiculous that the sport with the potential to be far and away the most popular cannot figure out how to crown a champion fairly. No argument you can present me for the BCS makes any sense. The point of playing college football, like all other sports is as follows: YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME (c/o Herm Edwards, 2002). Bowl games are glorified exhibition games, all of them, except for the "BCS Championship Game". Yet, that game is put together based on computers and voting, not anything that happens on the field. You cannot possibly look me in the eye and say that the regular season is a year-long playoff and be serious. You cannot say that there are too many games if we move to a playoff. Heck, I'm fine with bowl games. Let them stay around. I have developed and revised my NCAA Football Playoff Plan numerous times and will be posting it soon on this blog, and it includes bowl games. There's nowhere I'd rather be this December 27th than sitting in Charlotte at the Tire Bowl (also known as the Meineke Car Care Bowl), watching the Tar Heels play a meaningless game against West Virginia. But it is absolutely STUPID to claim a "national champion" out of Florida vs Oklahoma.
A playoff is the only way to decide a champion, NCAA folks, Bowl folks, ESPN, and student-athletes. And until you make an effort to create one, you are leaving money, credibility, and history on the table. So college football, BCS - you're dead to me.
To wrap this up, a few other things are dead to me that do not warrant a paragraph. They are as follows:
4) Big Balla - you and your boat shoes. Just like I said on the phone the other night.
5) Conventional weight-lifting. Who needs a 315 lb squat or 265 lb bench press when you can do this?
6) Anyone who hates on Stephen Curry. I've seen the kid in person and do not understand how anyone can knock the guy. I think that's what we call "playa hatin".
7) MLB teams who think AJ Burnett is worth $75 million over five years to be your #1 starter. You know what that equation equals? 77 wins a season. Thankfully, it did not work out for the Braves. Now, we can move on to plan B - Randy Wolf. Unfortunately, Randy Wolf equals 70 wins a season.
8) T-Pain, Akon, and DJ Khaled. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting a hit out on you guys, just saying that you're dead to me. But really, can't you guys just sit out a few songs for a while?
9) XM 65 The Rhyme. Unfortunately, it's really dead. A casualty of the Sirius-XM merger, my go-to station is no more. One email and one letter later, it has not come back. Furious.
10) Salt-water cleanses. I spent the better part of a recent Saturday trying not to be dead to myself as a result of the cleanse. Luckily the television in my bedroom easily reaches nearby rooms with showers, toilets, and sinks, so I did not miss any of the Hokies' second straight ACC Championship victory.
Alright, let's wrap this rant up. To be serious for a minute, I really just think Sean Avery's suspension is over-stepping the governance of the commissioner and the league. Freedom of Speech here people. The Bobcats are still my team and I hope they improve themselves - I just don't like this trade in the least. I will acknowledge though, that sometimes you have to take a step back to take a few forward. I hope this is the case. And finally, the BCS is just a total joke. Those in charge of the bowls and the conferences are the main problems, but no one (fans, TV networks, the media, no one) has taken a stand and said "no, I'm not watching this until you fix things and give us a legit champion".
I will be back with my NCAA Football Playoff Plan soon, along with an early-season report on the Tar Heels' basketball status. Until then, good luck to everyone in exams right now or just pushing through until some much-needed time off from the j-o-b.
Shush girl, shut your lips; do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips...
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