Broken Bobcats Promises

Because of circumstances totally out of my control, I have already broken my promise on 1) giving up on the Bobcats; and 2) not attending a game over the holidays here in Charlotte. My mother received two free tickets to last night's Bobcats vs Warriors game and insisted that tarheelpwin and I attend. In effort to prevent two perfectly good tickets from going to waste, Dad and I obliged. Here's how it went down:

• DJ Augustin opens up the festivities by welcoming the fans in attendance - I'm estimating 8,000 or so.
• Early action includes good passing by Boris Diaw, as pointed out to me by my father. I'm not holding my breath on this working out throughout the rest of the game. Plus, I'm stubborn, as I yelled bad words at him upon being introduced. One thing that the trade with Phoenix did bring the Bobcats is an annoying player; Raja Bell can really irritate the opposition, as Kobe Bryant has found out numerous times. In other news, former Tar Heel Brandan Wright starts tonight for Golden State and has two early fouls. Maybe if he'd stayed more than one season he would know not to foul so much. If the Bobcats are really serious about trading Felton for Wright as featured in the Charlotte Observer on Friday, I might ask David Stern to give our team to Seattle.
• During the first timeout, fans appear on the Fan Cam videoboard feature. I think it is actually the Ugly Cam tonight, as some rough looking redhead chic appears...glad to see Mint Hill is representin' this evening.
• There is a sushi stand at Time Warner Cable Arena. I love sushi, but at a basketball game? Really?
• First quarter replays are shown during another early timeout with Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" playing in the background. The way things are going, all the fans of the Bobcats are going to have to check into rehab too.
• DJ Augustin is much taller in person than I thought. Originally pegging him for 5'-10", I have to admit to being wrong. He's at least 5'-10.5". Also, Adam Morrison has checked into the game. I am looking for something to throw at him - a razor, some fake tan stuff, or basketball skill (all are needed right now).
• After now watching Morrison for five minutes, I have decided he IS The Blue Team. As an NBA player, he is essentially a scrub on this team, channeling the legend of Carolina Blue Teamers like Dewey Burke, Surry Wood, Jack Wooten, and Travis Stephenson. Rob Kurz comes in for Golden State and makes Morrison look good though, picking up 3 fouls in seven minutes. Ryan Hollins is also in for the Bobcats and whining about everything. I just love that, especially from an anorexic center.
• A lot going on in this timeout. First, I noticed that there are no ushers upstairs anymore, directing you to your seats or making sure people do not stand in the aisles. Not only have the Cats cut corporate staff, but also gameday event staff. Surely they could have let the "cheerleaders" go too (not Lady Cats - the actual cheerleaders). Also, fans are going crazy during the t-shirt toss. For what? A Time Warner Cable t-shirt of course. They should call this the "Rag to wash your car with" toss or "emergency barf clean-up towel" toss.
• In effort to pump up the crowd, the house music clip is "Ev'ry bo-dy clap your hands...clap clap clap..." from the Cha-Cha Slide. After witnessing how much people at a sporting event behave like sheep, following whatever you tell them to do (make noise, clap, get up, etc), I wish someone would take the liberty of remixing this sound byte to "ev'ry bo-dy pick your nose" and see how many people oblige.
• Two embarrassing moments committed by white folks: a 15-year old or so kid dancing during every timeout, frequently on the bigscreen, definitely with no shot at a prom date. None. And, a bald guy around 30 or so, roughly 6'-2" and 255 lbs, comes and sits down with three buddies in front of us. The embarrassment? He has on a gray suit with black windowpane that is shiny like aluminum foil. It is discussed immediately by everyone in our section. I regret that I have no picture.
• I am not wearing underwear.
• Just making sure you're still with me.
• Diaw drops off a nice pass to Gerald Wallace for a big dunk. The PA guy, Big Pat yells "Wallace for two on a pass by Boris". I'm surprised he and Boris are already on a first-name basis. It should probably be more like "...pass from Boris Diaw, you know, the sorry, lazy french dude we just got to overpay from Phoenix for our best scorer".
• Halftime brings us a 56-56 score. Wallace leads the Cats with 14 points and Jamal Crawford has 20 already for the Warriors. It also brings us the Bouncing Bulldogs jump rope squad for halftime. I hoped they were related to the British Bulldogs, but no such luck. Oh boy.
• The jump ropers are actually pretty impressive. Athletic, focused, and having fun. However, the day Lil' Kyle comes to me and says, "Dad, I need money to go to the jump rope nationals in Kissimmee, Florida", I'm going to tell him to Kissimmee ass.
• Season-ticket holder Caroline Davis is tonight's featured fan, so they interview her on the big screen. She is a brunette, enjoys long walks on the beach, and bad basketball apparently. She mentions her favorite Bobcats' moment as the opening night of the new arena. Mine is when we trade Morrison and Diaw.
• The Roman family is upgraded to the lower level, about five rows from the court. I can't believe the team was able to find five seats together anywhere in this packed house, much less so close to the action.
• End of 3rd quarter: 87-79 Golden State, Crawford has 35 already.
• Another t-shirt toss brings me to ponder one of life's great mysteries: if a t-shirt lands in an empty seat, does anyone hear it?
• With 5:47 remaining in the fourth quarter, I pass gas.
• Late fourth quarter action is close, but Crawford lands the dagger, crossing up an exhausted Raymond Felton for a nine point lead with only two minutes left. Crawford has played the point most of the night and at 6-5, he has had open looks on jumpers over Felton and Augustin all night. Even Raja Bell tried to slow him down late and failed. Crawford eventually finishes with 50 points, bringing back memories of Reggie Miller, Karl Malone, and Michael Jordan torching the Hornets in front of me as a kid. Wallace's 26 points lead the Bobcats in a 110-103 defeat.
• Overall, the experience was about what you'd expect. $9.50 cents spent (jumbo hot dog and a Coke), some good laughs, and a halfway decent game. Crawford was just unstoppable and the Warriors were able to win despite missing Corey Maggette and Stephen Jackson. On the way out, a drumline was playing in the lobby of the arena, causing noise and congestion (no, we did not stop). Apparently they are the Rhythm Cats. Awesome. On the other hand, the Lady Cats are not that impressive. Sure, there are some pretty ones, as there are on most squads. However, there are a couple I worry about being near for fear of The Clap.
• My final note on the evening: I had to stop at KFC/Taco Smell because of my hunger that lingered after not spending my life savings on concessions at the game. With only two cars at the drive-thru and the restaurant already locked, I figured this would not be too long of a trip. Think again. I reckon everyone in front of me ordered chicken that had to be fried and cooked, so I sat impatiently for ten minutes. The lesson: when in need of a chalupa, don't stop at a place that also serves extra crispy.

Go Panthers tonight. "Stand and cheer for the Panthers, stand and cheer for the team..."

You're Dead to Me, Boy

Derek Zoolander's father spoke those oh-so-painful words to his son, male model extraordinaire, after Derek tried to prove to him that he could "fit in" with his brothers. "I just want to make you proud of me, Pa," he says. But alas, despite his best efforts, it is too late for Derek, as his Dad crushes his spirits with this quote.

Fast-forward to today. There are many entities in today's world of sports who are like Derek Zoolander, doing everything they can to gain acceptance. They want approval from fans and the media alike, as approval equals interest, which equals dollars spent, which equals cash money in the pockets of these entities. Unlike Zoolander, acceptance and love are not enough; they need money, money, yeah yeah.

So what are we to do? Personally, this fan is taking the same route as Derek's Father did. Call'em out, let'em know where they stand, and take a long-term stance. If they fix it, great. Accept them back and love them. "That's my son!!" yelled Mr. Zoolander after watching his son save the Prime Minister of Malaysia. But if not? Kick dirt on them and leave them where they lie, six feet deep. So here goes. The following sports entities, be on alert - you're dead to me.

1) Here Lies the National Hockey League and Commissioner Gary Bettman. I did not grow up skating on anything frozen. Anyone who has seen me ice skate is now laughing out loud at the mental image. But roller blading? Different story. However, I did not do much of the roller parks in middle school. Nope, I preferred street hockey, scoring goals against the trash cans in my driveway. I was Steve Yzerman, Brett Hull, Wayne Gretzsky...anyone but Mike Modano really. Playoff hockey is my favorite - late nights, three overtimes, the back-and-forth action. I was madder than hell when Brett Hull "scored" to win the Cup for Dallas, knocking out the beloved Sabres in six games. I'm not saying I'm the world's greatest hockey fan, but I really enjoy watching the sport and would argue the intensity of the playoffs against any sport.

But now, in the years following the NHL lockout, Commissioner Bettman has turned the game into a wuss-fest. His iron fist reign has been laughable for many reasons that we will not get into. But, just when I thought it could not get worse, his league suspended Sean Avery for making comments about another player, Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames, and his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert (of "24" and "Old School" fame). "I just want to comment on how it's like become a common thing to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," Avery said. And he has been suspended for six games by the league and could be released by the Dallas Stars as a result. Now, let's set one thing straight: Avery is no angel. For those who do not follow hockey, he is a combination of TO, Ron Artest, and Manny Ramirez. He has been in trouble with the league for numerous incidents, both on and off the ice. Teammates and foes despise him. But suspending a guy for that comment? Come on. The NHL has no personality now. No more fighting, no more trash talking, no animosity allowed. Let's just all skate around for three periods, everyone's a winner, and when it's over, we'll all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya". Gary Bettman, until you learn how to market your league and emphasize what sets it apart from other sports entities (and thereby allow it to once again be interesting), I'm not watching. My planned trip to a Hurricanes' game is now canceled. So NHL - you're dead to me.

(A quick aside - in my quest to find a picture of the aforementioned sloppy seconds known as Elisha Cuthbert, I did a google image search. I chose the least-risque picture I could find and ended up with her sitting in a see-through dress with a slit up to her mid-thigh. Elisha - you're an attractive girl. But really, you might want to look into cleaning up your image a little bit, or at least taking some pictures that involve more clothes than a push-up bra and undies).

2) Here Lies the Charlotte Bobcats. I have tried to have faith that this organization has a plan. I was completely against the selection of Adam Morrison over Brandon Roy; same for DJ Augustin this past year over Brock Lopez or Jerryd Bayless, but otherwise, I've tried to remain supportive. But now? Done. Jason Richardson, Jared Dudley, and a 2nd rounder for Boris Diaw, Raja Bell, and Sean Singletary???? What????

I understand that the Bobcats were willing to move Richardson or Gerald Wallace. Fine. Need more of a low-post presence, hopefully with some versatility. But Boris-freakin-Diaw? He of the "I don't date American girls, I have them" quote a few years back (click those links - unreal)? He of the no motivation, in poor physical condition, I-don't-even-know-what-defense-is history? Look, the Bobcats desparately needed a big guy to play power forward with shooting range and the ability to guard similar types of 4-men. Bosh, Dirk, Jamison, David West, and all other power forwards who are able to stretch a defense and drive always kill this team (go look at Bosh's boxscores against Charlotte, it's ridiculous). But Boris Diaw does not help on the defensive end whatsoever and can most positively be described as "inconsistent" (read: unmotivated) on the offensive end. As for Raja Bell, I think his skill-set lends itself to this team and Coach Larry Brown's system or guarding the basketball. However, he is 32 and expensive for what he brings to the table in my opinion. Furthermore, Charles Barkley tried to point out that by moving Richardson, more minutes would be available for Felton at the shooting guard spot. Two problems with that point: 1. Bell is also a shooting guard and therefore should take a lot of Richardson's minutes; and 2. Felton is not a freakin' 2-guard. But the worst part of this deal? Trading Dudley. As has been pointed out by multiple people, he did not have to be included to make the deal work. He is promising as a role player, has a high basketball IQ, and is cheap for the next three seasons. So what was he included for?

The most predictable reaction was that of the Charlotte Observer sports writers. Sorenson, Fowler, and Bonnell all like the trade. It's almost like they've been told to spin this as positively as they can to help generate interest in this team. Well, how can anyone be interested in a 28-win team? Because that's what we're heading towards. So, barring another trade (or five) that helps makeover this team (and get Diaw out of Charlotte), cancel my annual Christmas Break expedition to see the 'Cats play, because Charlotte Bobcats - you're dead to me.

3. Here Lies College Football under the BCS System. I am done with college football. Until there is a playoff system that we can all live with, I will watch the Tar Heels, I will watch Virginia Tech (or wherever I happen to be working), and I will keep an eye on Notre Dame. But as for rushing home to see "the big game" or any huge bowl game? Forget it. I'm not saying I'm not going to watch at all, but I am done caring. It is completely ridiculous that the sport with the potential to be far and away the most popular cannot figure out how to crown a champion fairly. No argument you can present me for the BCS makes any sense. The point of playing college football, like all other sports is as follows: YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME (c/o Herm Edwards, 2002). Bowl games are glorified exhibition games, all of them, except for the "BCS Championship Game". Yet, that game is put together based on computers and voting, not anything that happens on the field. You cannot possibly look me in the eye and say that the regular season is a year-long playoff and be serious. You cannot say that there are too many games if we move to a playoff. Heck, I'm fine with bowl games. Let them stay around. I have developed and revised my NCAA Football Playoff Plan numerous times and will be posting it soon on this blog, and it includes bowl games. There's nowhere I'd rather be this December 27th than sitting in Charlotte at the Tire Bowl (also known as the Meineke Car Care Bowl), watching the Tar Heels play a meaningless game against West Virginia. But it is absolutely STUPID to claim a "national champion" out of Florida vs Oklahoma.

A playoff is the only way to decide a champion, NCAA folks, Bowl folks, ESPN, and student-athletes. And until you make an effort to create one, you are leaving money, credibility, and history on the table. So college football, BCS - you're dead to me.

To wrap this up, a few other things are dead to me that do not warrant a paragraph. They are as follows:

4) Big Balla - you and your boat shoes. Just like I said on the phone the other night.
5) Conventional weight-lifting. Who needs a 315 lb squat or 265 lb bench press when you can do this?
6) Anyone who hates on Stephen Curry. I've seen the kid in person and do not understand how anyone can knock the guy. I think that's what we call "playa hatin".
7) MLB teams who think AJ Burnett is worth $75 million over five years to be your #1 starter. You know what that equation equals? 77 wins a season. Thankfully, it did not work out for the Braves. Now, we can move on to plan B - Randy Wolf. Unfortunately, Randy Wolf equals 70 wins a season.
8) T-Pain, Akon, and DJ Khaled. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting a hit out on you guys, just saying that you're dead to me. But really, can't you guys just sit out a few songs for a while?
9) XM 65 The Rhyme. Unfortunately, it's really dead. A casualty of the Sirius-XM merger, my go-to station is no more. One email and one letter later, it has not come back. Furious.
10) Salt-water cleanses. I spent the better part of a recent Saturday trying not to be dead to myself as a result of the cleanse. Luckily the television in my bedroom easily reaches nearby rooms with showers, toilets, and sinks, so I did not miss any of the Hokies' second straight ACC Championship victory.

Alright, let's wrap this rant up. To be serious for a minute, I really just think Sean Avery's suspension is over-stepping the governance of the commissioner and the league. Freedom of Speech here people. The Bobcats are still my team and I hope they improve themselves - I just don't like this trade in the least. I will acknowledge though, that sometimes you have to take a step back to take a few forward. I hope this is the case. And finally, the BCS is just a total joke. Those in charge of the bowls and the conferences are the main problems, but no one (fans, TV networks, the media, no one) has taken a stand and said "no, I'm not watching this until you fix things and give us a legit champion".

I will be back with my NCAA Football Playoff Plan soon, along with an early-season report on the Tar Heels' basketball status. Until then, good luck to everyone in exams right now or just pushing through until some much-needed time off from the j-o-b.

Shush girl, shut your lips; do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips...